Monthly Archives: December 2015

Dear 2015

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(photo by Pao Peña)

(photo by Pao Peña)


Dear 2015,


I have mixed feelings about you. Like I’m thankful and angry. Like I love you and I don’t. Kind of like how I feel about dieting. or Chicharon. Allow me to tell you why.


I met you at the start of the year. To be perfectly honest, I was pretty excited meeting you and hanging out with you.


I had just come from a bad relationship with 2014, and it left me bruised and broken. But I was pretty optimistic. You were offering new possibilities, and a chance to renew myself. So I had to actually start the year with a lot of faith in you. I had to believe that you were gonna help me find a better version of myself. Remember, when 2014 ended, I had just turned single? I was feeling emasculated, insecure, and not really worth anybody’s time. I was trying to reassemble a daily routine that no longer involved texting someone a “good morning” or an “I love you”. I can honestly say that it was one of the lowest points of my life.

But you changed that immediately. Thank you 2015. You are lovely.

In January, you let me become part of a Tanghalang Ateneo play again, Waiting for Godot. It had been years since I have had the opportunity to be onstage. I was feeling rusty. But I got one of the lead parts, by some weird twist of fate! And I got to work with a stellar cast, crew and director. I was part of the Male Set A for Godot with Xander, Mora, Jerome and Soc. Led by Direk JK. I played Didi! And achieved something I hadn’t previously done in my theater carreer: Cry on cue.

To tell you the truth, I was really happy then. You ever get that feeling that where you were is exactly where you had to be? That was how I felt with that play. Whenever I would be in the theater, it was just me doing what I was meant (destined) to do. Nobody could ever do that at that point in time but me. It gave me a sense of purpose. Thank you 2015. You are generous.

You continued to make me happy in February, despite some betrayals from a few friends who thought badly of me — who misconstrued my good intentions as romantic feelings. Who made it seem like if fell for someone, that it was a bad thing. I easily got over that. After that, you even made me meet Sarah Kay and Phil Kaye! Wowza! Next, you gave me the chance 2015 to launch my poetry shirt line, and to celebrate my birthday with all the important people in my life.

At this point, that category – “all the important people in my life” – was still a complete entity. I’ll go back to that later.

Anyway you, 2015, during the month of february, you kept me in the theater. You gave me a chance to write, and direct a play. Coming from Godot, I was oozing with inspiration. So it came to be, I directed and co-wrote Near Yet Far, Far Yet Near. It wasn’t an easy play, by any stretch of the imagination: Not a lot of time to prepare, not a lot of resources, an actress quitting the week before the show. But you showed me that it was still possible to achieve something special. And you brought in very special people to help make sure that magic was still as real as the stage we put plays on. I had a chance to direct friends Guelan, Tarek, Trency, and discover new talents in Jerome and Tine. You gave me a solid production team with BJ, Pepe, JP, JR, Leyson, and of course the wonderful stage manager Regina. You even got a couple of blogs to write good reviews about us!

I’ll be a bit of a braggart, but honestly, everytime the audience (no matter how few they are) clapped, I felt tingles up my spine. Kilig. Yeah, that’s the word I’m looking for.

We were on a roll 2015, but then things changed.

In March, you got my sister sick. That wasn’t very nice of you. Lo and behold, 3 months later, she’s gone. 3 months later, I’m writing a eulogy for the first time, and I am in tears. A lot of people were able to read that Eulogy, and even if it was perhaps the saddest chapter of my life, at least it made me happy that people were mourning with me. Sorry if that sounds a bit selfish. Anyway.

I don’t wanna dwell on that too much. But I was thinking to myself, that despite all the losses and pains I’ve had and endured over the years, losing my sister was definitely the heaviest burden I’ve ever had to carry. And it didn’t help that I watched everyone else around her carry that same burden. It didn’t help watching my mom and dad cry in front of her casket. It didn’t help watching all the friends my sister had over the years comfort each other with hugs and old stories of her life. It didn’t help that her 3 year old daughter had no clue what was happening. You are a bitch, 2015. Why did you put us through that?

And the months around that, I was really off balanced too, 2015. Constantly worrying about my family and how we were gonna survive, and you added stress from work, and stress from being in love with a young girl. I was literally stuck in a tornado of emotions, literally. I did not know how to feel about things, and how to react based on those feelings. For the first time in my life, I had no clue what I was gonna do.

I think you know 2015, that I’ve always taken pride in being bacteria like. Not in because I’m dirty (I am actually pretty concerned with my hygiene), but in the “I can adapt to anything” kind of sense. Many people have tried to push me around, some have succeeded, but I’ve always found a way to overcome. This wasn’t the case during those months. I was weak, and I felt I was being slammed harshly to the ground until I no longer knew the difference between my face and the cold, hard cement road.

Especially with being in love.

Don’t get me wrong, 2015, I’m not angry that you made me feel love again after a while. I was pretty happy loving that person. But I guess, I too wasn’t ready. With so many things happening, I wasn’t exactly in the best shape to love other people. And I’m at least glad that after it was over, you still stuck with me. You gave me a chance to love myself and to find some form of comfort in that.

And the best way you made me feel that 2015, is with the LIRA poetry workshop. I had never been to a poetry class before in my life. But you made me learn; not just the words to write, or how to write them, but most importantly you made me learn how it was to see things from a bigger perspective. You showed me how to be inspired by letting me meet so many inspiring people: my fellow writers, LIRA officers and members, and of course the mentors: Sir Rio, Sir Mike, Sir Fidel, Sir Marne, Sir Egay, Sir Nanoy, Miss Ergo, Sir Joel, Ma’am Becky, Sir LJ, Sir Gian, and everyone else. You showed me new friendships. At least you softened the blows that I was taking from all of the other sadness I was going through. 6 months of learning poetry were 6 months of learning life.

You also introduced me this year to the wonderful people of Words Anonymous. And they also inspired my poetry. I’m grateful for that 2015, you are swell.

In August, I wanted to thank you 2015, because you gave me new life.

You finally made me let go of her.

At least that was one thorn out of my bludgeoned heart.

From July to September, you were also giving me good projects with Sindikato. And you handed to us good people in Alvin, Lorraine, Mella, and Topher. We were on a roll, and we were doing more things with less fatigue. We were laser locked on to our goals, and it was a great feeling. We even got a new TV show with the fantastic China Cojuangco Gonzales! Thank you 2015. You are a blessing.

I thought the year was pretty much done at this point to be honest. I was already excited for Christmas, because things were in place. The pain from losing my sister wasn’t as strong as before thanks to the comfort and solace that a lot of people kept pouring down on us. And I got to reconnect with an old friend, Danica, too! Randomly at that! She’s been really special, and she’s been nothing but fun. She’s been part of the upside of the year.

But you had to ruin the fun 2015.

October, you took my dad away. Just like that. One day he was telling me to take care going to work, and the next day, I was holding his lifeless hand in the company of my best friends Enzo and Edzon. Why did you do that 2015? Why now? Why him?

October became like my dad. Lifeless.

It wasn’t the same.

My dad has been retired for the past 20 years. So he’s always been at home. He’s always taken care of everything. He always made sure the trash was brought out, and that we always had gas for the stove. Heck, he even made sure that the mail was received, and the bills were attended to. But that’s not the case now. The empty rooms seem emptier. The walls have become much lonelier.

When people ask me, “How are you?” I always have one reply. I’m okay. But the quiet moments are really the worst.

You know, 2015, until today, I can still hear my dad’s voice in my head. I still sometimes check to see if he’s there. Before I leave the house, I still sometimes say goodbye to him and tell him I’m going to work. I still whisper to him what time (I think) I’ll be home. I still see him working on his daily crossword puzzle and watching the discovery channel.

I want to stab you, cut you up to pieces, and let you rot in a swamp somewhere 2015.

November came, and you tried to make it up to me. I appreciate that. You sent me to Japan with my friends for the first time. You gave me some pocket money to spend. You gave me a chance to refresh my weary spirit. Or at least to be distracted.

That trip was fantastic. Just being with my friends, and going on adventures. I really needed that. Thank you 2015. That was mighty sweet of you.

It’s December now, and I’m trying to remember everything. I’m writing this in a coffee shop. And I really look like an idiot. One moment I have a huge smile on my face, and a minute later I’m wiping my eyes from tears.


(Me earlier at Starbucks Katip photo by Bryant Garduque)

I lost a lot because of you, 2015.

But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t gain anything from you.

I met random friends. I copped a lot of shoes. I encountered new experiences. I tasted romance, I gained a part of me I never previously had access to.

Like a secret level in Super Mario. Or Final Fantasy. Sorry for the old reference, Millennials. (Yup, I spelled Millennial right).

You are a mystery to me 2015. Right at the time when I was asking a lot of questions about myself, you leave me with more questions. Maybe you did answer some things, too, but I guess that’s okay. Maybe I need to ask these questions and answer them for myself.

I still don’t understand you 2015. I probably never will.




I am glad we are parting ways today.


Maybe when 2016 comes, she will help me answer those questions.

Walt Disney once said, “Keep Moving forward”. I guess I’ll do that. But I will take some part of you 2015. I’ll shrink that part and put it in my pocket; and I’ll bring it as I continue on this journey called life.

We’ve had a wild ride 2015.

And before I say farewell, I wanted to thank all the people that you dragged beside me 2015:

Kenny, Bugs and Mondy (the original badings)

Darling, who won rookie of the year at the Apogator Awards.

And Gelaine who was the runner-up.




Sindikato. And the new badings Kuya Erwin, Teng, Rorotski, Lebron James Dela Cruz




My Prod Friends – Prodmadnezz mostly.



New Prodhouses I got to work with – Manilaman, and Onmedia

My TA Family – especially Sir Glenn, Ron, Ricky, Rhem, Yaps, Gel, Joenel, Soc, Barth, Banjo, Lia, Gly and all you youngins lalo na ikaw Jessica.

My DITO: Bahay ng Sining Family – Bj, Pepe, Madame Y

My ARPT Family – Pau, King, Chin, Kristoff (and Mian), Carl (and Teril), Carlo not so Big (and Alex), Jongko, Marlo, Diane, et al.

My Poetry friends – LIRA, and Words Anonymous.

My new Intact Students and Student Facilitators.

My HS students in the Ateneo Video Club.

My sneakerhead friends – especially you Mesh Maini.

My bars of the year, Loading Point and Route 196 and all the people who run said joints who have seen me at my worst times.

My crush of the year, Tin Gamboa (Suzy 899). Listening to you almost everyday made me kilig. Legit kilig, not unlike the kilig you get from taking a piss lang. I wish I can take you out to dinner someday. Or kahit coffee. Or kahit breakfast. Or kahit magtawag ka lang ng grab car tapos maghihintay ako katabi mo sa pila.

My musician friends especially peeps from Sud, Autotelic, Mayonnaise, Kai Honasan, Reese Lansangan, Champ and Hale, Spongecola and Saul, Jugs and Itchyworms, and all of you guys who I can’t mention because I have the memory of a 70 year old.

My fans, who make sure I average at least a massive 10 likes per post on Facebook. or at least an overwhelming 4 likes on my instagram, @lordapags.

2015, these people made it easier and much more meaningful to breathe this year. If only for them, thank you 2015 for bringing them beside me.


Farewell, 2015.


It’s time to say goodbye.



Most Romantic/Craziest Thing I’ve ever done for a Girl

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Warning: Long, emotional, possibly annoying post about my issues. Thank you to everyone who will read. Apologies to those who will read and get annoyed.  #apagsibig


Some people have asked me what was the most romantic thing I’ve ever done for a girl? What’s the craziest? What’s the most painful memory I’ve had with someone on a romantic level? And those questions aren’t very easy to answer.

I’ve had some really memorable moments. Sometimes memories I want to replay over and over again in all my waking hours. And some memories I wish I didn’t have to remember, but I can’t forget no matter how hard I tried. The following story falls under all those kinds of memories –and by that I mean,  it has both good and bad stuff in it.

This is the last love confession I did. This happened last year. Around this time too. I wrote a letter to a girl I felt strongly for.

SPOILER ALERT: This love confession didn’t really amount to much. She said she wasn’t ready. But I couldn’t help but feel that it meant like she wasn’t ready for me. That she could never feel the same way about me because I wasn’t good enough. It feeds insecurities, you know. And it really made me sad. That and the other saddening factors of 2015 led to many moments where I felt so alone, and unvaluable. Hence the event. This rejection was actually the start of my 2015. Before everything. I was a being run to the ground.

And to be honest, it took me a long time to bounce back from this one. Maybe I’m still trying to bounce back. With 2015 being a difficult year, this “getting over period” didn’t exactly help. For the past year, I really didn’t feel like I was worth much. Moreover, I really didn’t want to be involved with anyone, because I feel like I was just gonna drag them down with my problems.  But something has changed.


So I’m sharing this with you guys now, because last night, when I posted about our Poetry Workshop Batch Folio, a lot of people messaged me to congratulate me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was worth something, like what I was doing was important.


Our Batch folio (Photo by Neto Aedto)

Sure I post a lot of funny shit in my facebook. But it wasn’t because I felt important. The simple reason why I try to be funny (a lot of times) is because IF I couldn’t make myself happy, then at least I can try making a few of my friends happy. And when my friends are happy with a pun/joke I tell, or a picture I share, or a weird/clumsy/sablay thing I do, I’m a little less sad, and a little less lonely.

I hope you guys enjoy reading this letter. To protect the identity of the person this was intended for, I have changed all names to Shoe Brands like “Nike” or “Adidas” and contextual clues to “something”.  If by for some reason you can guess who this is for, please keep it to yourself. This is a thing of the past. I harbor no ill-feelings towards her. I’m happy I got the chance get to know her even for a bit. I understand, I was the problem. And I think I’ve learned my lesson. This entire situation changed me, honestly.

I added a few lines of commentary for you guys in square brackets for better understanding [ ] Ang hirap kayang gumawa ng footnotes sa blog.

At the end of the day, I’m content with believing in the saying “some things aren’t meant to be”, but still, some things are. Maybe I’ll find what’s meant for me too. Maybe.


#Heynike – December 17, 2014

December 17, 2014

Hey Nike.

How are you? I bet you are wondering what the hell this is all about. I’m writing this letter and I’m actually still not quite sure why. I don’t actually know if you hate me, or if you’re angry at me, or just weirded out. I mean, you’re not talking to me and I don’t really know why. I actually sort of hate you right now, honestly. I don’t know what sort of reaction I want you to feel while reading this. The only thing I know is that it’s Christmas — and at Christmas you tell the truth — and I wanna tell you the truth as to some things that I’ve been feeling. I’ll try not to make this too long, but I’ll have to ask you to bear with me in terms of the length. If you’re busy, by all means, I’m not asking for an immediate response. Don’t take too long though, coz it’ll make me paranoid and shit. Haha #truth To quote Coldplay, This isn’t easy. Apparently, I didn’t think it would be so hard too. Especially not having the slightest idea of how this is going to be understood and interpreted by you. Heck, I’ve written that first paragraph and things still don’t exactly/completely make sense to me.




First of all, I’m sorry if I had said anything that was weird or if I offended you in any way. The truth is, I like you. Let’s get that over with. Like legit like-like-like-like you. When I say I miss you, or that I’m thinking of you, please know that it is genuine, sincere, honest and true. I guess I should tell you the entire story, but you’re the main character, so you probably know how this is going to play out. [I wanted to tell her the series of events that lead to this]


I met you last year at the “Something” workshop. I thought you were cute, but not really much after that. I mean, you were cute, but I didn’t really talk to you, so I didn’t think of you after that; but that all changed this year. I met you. I talked to you, and this is perfectly assuming — I felt like I really got to know you. Then there was this period where I was messaging you and you weren’t replying. I told you about this. You said you were just avoiding the world. My thoughts the entire time was that you already knew I liked you and you weren’t interested at all. I can be pretty obvious naman kasi. Sorry, subtlety is not exactly a strength of mine…I guess I was kinda getting over you. Till that day I saw you again in “somewhere” and we had lunch.

When I got to hang out with you this year a few times, I must admit, I did have a crush on you. I’ve always thought you were pretty. But listening to you, that ‘crush’ went to a whole new level. I found you very interesting and intriguing. Interesting because you have this headstrong personality but not intimidating. Despite what you’ve been through. You have this way of making conversations seem pleasant even though they’re sometimes too serious or too madrama. You’re intriguing as well because you’re so different. I mean, the more stuff I discover about you, the more I see how utterly unique and special you are. I honestly know it’s weird coming from someone who had just been in a long-time relationship. [I had just turned single a few months before this] You could be thinking I’m just being malandi or whatever, but it is true.

I think you’re absolutely fantastic as a person.

Then we had that perfect Sunday evening. Emphasis on the word perfect. At least for me. Ramen x Gyuniku Dinner. Milk Tea. Hanging out in “Somewhere”. I still remember it. Eating dessert, Singing Beatles and Maroon 5 songs, Carrying you, Cracking your back, Watching you look at the books (sort of like Belle when Beast gave her a library) and just talking to you. More like listening to you. Making you laugh.


When I dropped you home that night to go to my other shoot, it was really sad driving away from you. For that evening was just so enjoyable and I didn’t want it to end. And then we started vibering again and it wasn’t weird. I honestly thought you’d be weirded out, but thankfully you weren’t (or at least you hid it pretty well). I’ve always told myself, I was gonna enjoy your company, and if I start like liking you bahala na. Probably it wasn’t gonna happen. And if it did, it wouldn’t work. We’re two people, too different. Plus the fact that a lot of people like you, may mga nanliligaw na sa’yo, and then there’s Adidas too. Everyday, I would try to talk myself out of liking you. THAT I WAS NOT GONNA GIVE YOU THE POWER TO HURT ME. Na ok lang yan, I should be ok with us just being friends. Even though I really started seriously liking you na. I guess I was also afraid too. You ever get that feeling that some things are too good to be true? Things were too perfect. You were even more than perfect. When I told the story of that perfect night to my best friend he said “That has to be the most romantic evening in the history of two people who are not romantically connected in any shape or form. It could be that she really likes you….. OR ang galing niyang magpa-asa.” [my best friend is a super funny guy HAHAHAH]


The last two or three weeks we haven’t been talking. Honestly, I feel as though I’ve been reaching out to you, and you’ve been ignoring me. I hate being ignored. Totally hate it. Also because I don’t know if it’s me or if there’s something bothering you or something you’re going through. Of course, I’m inclined to think it’s me. I’m narcissistic like that. I don’t let a lot of things bring me down. I believe in this saying: If a person doesn’t FFF me, they have no right to make me feel bad. (Triple F stands for FEED, FREAK or FUND) [A great man gave me this piece of advice]. You might think I’m emo with all the sad poetry I write. But I’m really not. I do that for my Emo friends. They enjoy it, it makes them feel like they’re not alone. And I’m actually pretty skilled at writing sad poetry. It’s where I can pour out my creativity. [I write funny emo poetry hahaha]


Anyway, going back, usually, when someone ignores me, I’m arrogant enough to just stop caring completely. Which I tried. Apparently I failed. Seriously speaking, it’s a terrible equation: ME LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKING YOU + YOU NOT TALKING TO ME + APAGS NARCISSISM = APAGS KIND OF GOING CRAZY.


Partly, that’s why I decided to do this. Truth be told, I feel so crazy for really doing this. For actually just even feeling like this. I’m usually in control of these emotions of mine (that’s one perk of being an actor and a director, you actually understand these feelings), but with you,

that locus of control just doesn’t have its usual potency.


So anyway, going back, I decided I was gonna do something to express how I feel about you. #apagsconfession. Ever since that first night we got to hung out at “Somewhere”, I had somewhat of a crush on you. Do you remember that night? We played a game called “I like.” We spent 2 hours talking, and it went by so quickly. It’s also the first time I brought you home. You we’re gonna get a cab in Mcdo, and I said I’d just bring you home since you live very near me (more importantly, also because I didn’t wanna end our conversation just yet). It was that night that we dueted to “Way Back into love.” [great song noh?]


Anyway, that night, I decided to keep a list of random things about you. I have quite the dull memory, but I wanted to remember our conversations, so I decided to make this list nga. The reason being crush nga kita. Anyway, the list is called “Random Nike Facts”. Never thought it would come in handy ’till I decided to do this. Initially, I just wanted to keep up with our conversations, so that the next time, I wouldn’t look so Bobo or clueless as to the things we’ve talked about. And maybe go into things we haven’t talked about. Or maybe someday write a character for a movie that resembles you (though that would be difficult, coz I can’t imagine imagining a character that’s as severely complex and complicated as you). You have my permission to feel VERY MUCH CREEPED OR WEIRDED OUT at this point. Not really sure why I kept the list, but not really regretting keeping it as well. At least I got to know you. My best friend comments, “you want to get to know her and you’re cheating? I approve of this list! (and no, I never showed him the list. It’s mine. It’s my kodigo. No sharing.)” #creepyapags #selfishapags [i eventually showed him the list]


So with the list as my reference, I made a plan. This is me being totally out of character. NO. I AM NOT A PLANNING KIND OF GUY. I AM SPONTENEOUS AND UNPREDICTABLE. LIKE A TYPHOON. OR A FASHION TREND. I like getting surprised by the twists and turns of life. And if there’s one thing I’m good at, is being able to adapt. That’s my personality. That’s my super power. Being like bacteria and catching up to the ever changing tides of this mortal life. I’m bad-ass like that. Wait.


If I can adapt, why the hell did I keep this list? Thinking about it, it’s just really something different about you. Like when I’m talking to you, I’m just at a loss for words. I don’t feel as confident as I normally am. You’re that different, apparently. Anyway, I digress. List in hand, I made a plan. A plan to actually try and impress you. I don’t know if this is too madrama or too OA, but I just don’t care. I made a plan to impress you. And to express how I feel….

Yeah. That’s it….


So here’s the plan. I thought I’d give you ten little things that I think will make you smile based on my “Random Nike Facts” List. Being the smart girl, you probably already know that one entry on the “Random Nike Facts” list is your Starbucks drink. “Iced Americano with White Mocha syrup – 3 pumps, Breve, Grande.” I tried it, and it tastes pretty weird for me. Sorry. Hahaha. This was actually what inspired #apagsweirdlists (my buzzfeed like weird funny listings on Facebook, but I’m not sure if you’ve seen those). Though I’ve retired listing those, I’ll do one last list. And this is that list.


*throughout this list, I will be using hashtags, not because of their online purpose, but just because I like using hashtags. It’s a challenge to condense feelings and thoughts into as few words as possible. Among hashtags will be #creepyapags and #kiligapags, to name a few. Haha again please bear with it. It amuses me to use these.


Anyway, please go through the gifts in order. This letter is divided into parts within the gifts. Kindly open everything to get the full story. I am guessing reading and opening the gifts will probably take you around 40-45 minutes. With a bathroom break, probably 45-50 minutes. So if you’re busy right now, please don’t open them muna until you’re kinda free for an hour. And for my minimal embarassment, please do it in private. Baka naman buksan mo ito sa sala niyo with your family watching or worse with Adidas [Adidas is a guy who she has had a complicated relationship with, yung parang sila pero hindi? Ewan, I don’t exactly remember] hearing every heartfelt word I am saying. My god, I’ll be so embarassed. Hahaha. If you do do this in Public, you will be like the most evil person I know. But you’re not. So let’s continue, shall we? [each gift and the description is on one page. So as she opens the gifts, she opens a new page in the letter.]




10 Things I want to give to my crush right now. (OBVIOUSLY THAT’S YOU) based on Random Nike Facts.


GIFT 1. Flowers


Nike Fact: “You like things that smell nice.”


Item number 1 on the list are flowers that smell nice. You once said that one of the things that you like are those that smell nice. And it shows, I mean, you smell really nice too. When I drive you home, my car actually smells like you for around 5-10 minutes. Makes the drive home more fun. I drive slower going home because of that, actually. #creepyapags. #apagsconfession. I do try and take an effort to smell nice for you. You actually complimented me and my hair [I had super long hair before] a few times for smelling nice. Honestly, super kinilig ako dun. You actually discovered how to make me kilig. Not everyone knows this. #kiligapags. Plus, medyo romantic yung flowers ‘di ba? I can be romantic sometimes. HAHA.

GIFT 2. A Panda Onesie


Nike fact: “You barely sleep and have been having a hard time waking up as of late.”


You’ve told me before that you barely sleep and recently you’ve been having problems getting up. I get it. You’re a busy bee. It makes sense. Active ka sa Something and sa Something. I mean, I was once a “something” too. But, for those nights that you can really afford to sleep in, I would completely recommend this fantastic piece of sleepwear. Plus, also, you said you thought Pandas are cute. Which they are. Nobody in the free, modern world would think Pandas are NOT cute. They’re fat vegetarians. They’re fluffy and cuddly but can take your head off with one swipe. They’re oxymoronic. I guess kinda like you. And no, I don’t think you’re fat. Nor a vegetarian. Anyway, apologies, I’m rambling again. Please use this and hopefully it gives you a better sleeping experience. Dream of me too? Maybe that’ll help. #feelingmoapags #apagsconfession. I did dream of you already. So (technically) you’re (one) of my dream girls hahaha. I don’t know how you still look pretty even if you barely sleep. Though I’ve only seen you bagong-gising once, I think I can safely say, your bagong-gising look still looks absolutely amazing. #creepyapags

 GIFT 3. The Strange Library


Nike fact: “You’re a Haruki Murakami fan. Just like me.”


I’m not sure if you already have this book. This is Murakami’s latest Book. If you do and if you’ve read it, can you let me read this? I have only read the book descriptions. Apparently it’s about a boy who gets trapped in the strange library. He tries to escape. Seems like something I’ve been feeling. #apagsfeels. Maybe something you’ve been feeling with a lot of things in your life too. Anyway, I hope this book is good, and it provides somewhat of the escape/relax you need.


GIFT 4. Lion Pencil Case

Nike Fact: “Your Birthday is in August. Which makes you a Leo.”


Also. You post on twitter every now and then your horoscope. Leo’s are usually very warm but very firm. Which is so you by the way. I don’t really have a long explanation for this gift other than it’s useful and cute. Still kinda like you. You’re cute (I think we’ve established that). And useful. Which is true because when I’m sad or stressed, just talking to you makes me forget my stresses, even for just a few minutes. So thank you for being who you are. By the way, Leos go with Aquarians. They match. I looked it up. And guess who’s an Aquarian? #apagsisaquarian hahaha. Anyway. Moving on.


GIFT 5. Yoga Back Roller


Nike Fact: “You like to yoga.”


This was actually a pretty difficult gift to think of. I mean, what the hell do yoga people need? A mat (which you probably have), a towel (again I can’t imagine you not having a yoga towel), and flexibility. And then I remembered you saying your back bothers you from time to time. You really enjoyed that back cracking technique we did right? So I thought I’d get you something for your back. This foam roller, I’ve tried a bunch of these and they’re really good. You can just youtube exercises for them. But even just lying down on this and rolling your lower back on it does wonders. Maybe a freaking cheesy explanation for this gift is: “Nike, #apagshasyourback.” Please try it soon!

Did that make you laugh? Yes? Go laugh some more. #apagscanmakeyoulaugh

No? I thought so. Let’s move on nalang shall we? #apagsfailsenseofhumor.


GIFT 6. An Instax


Nike Fact: “You lost your camera. That totally sucks.”


So I thought I’d give you an Instax. I was hoping this will do for now while you’re waiting to get a new Camera. It could be fun for you. Plus, it’s a different experience actually having printed pictures. I actually don’t know how much of a photography fan you are, but I’m really hoping this is something you’ll enjoy and really put to use. #printsaremorevaluable. If you can, can you take a picture of yourself and give it to me? I’d like that very much. #apagsrequests


GIFT 7. An Inflatable Globe


Nike Fact: “You dream of seeing the world.”


Well, I can’t exactly give you the world right now. But… what I can give you is a smaller scale replica of it. It’s inflatable. And you can draw or write on it with a whiteboard marker too. And you really LITERALLY get to SEE AND PLAY with the world.

Well, other than this gift being fun, because you can throw it around and such, I really don’t have much of an explanation for it. #apagscheesyexplanations maybe I…. #wanttobepartofyourworld? Ok that was pretty lame. #sharemyworldwithyou? Still pretty lame. I’ll let you know if I think of a non-lame ass explanation.

You mentioned to me before that your ideal life would be walking around New York in your trench coat, coffee in hand, living the good life. So I think you should start by marking New York on this globe. Yeah. And I have no doubt you’ll go places. Ikaw pa. You’re driven, you’re smart, those two traits alone will get you pretty far. So there’s no reason to believe you won’t make it out there. Just don’t try to rush it I guess? #unwarrantedadvice


GIFT 8. Watercolor Paint Brushes


Nike Fact: “You Watercolor.”


So I got you Watercolor Paint Brushes. I don’t know anything about painting, much less about watercoloring. So I just got you a small, medium, and Large brush. If this was about sports, fashion, or video games, then I would be more of an expert. And well, you seem to enjoy talking about watercolor. Anyway, No further explanation. Let’s move on.


GIFT 9. Spices and Onions (which isn’t technically a spice).


Nike Fact: “The oddest thing in the world is you don’t like sauce. Like seriously, EVERYBODY FANCIES SOME SORT OF SAUCE AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.”


I thought I’d get you something for your house. But I was stumped, because I don’t know what you already have in the house. I don’t know if you need anything for your room, or your bathroom. or your sala. So I thought, ” Giving a gift for the Kitchen might be a good idea.” And since you don’t like sauce, I thought I’d give you this. They’re different spices. I use them for cooking. You cook too; with a lot of Onions! (that’s also on the Random Nike Facts list). So I got you Onions. You also mentioned that you only eat once a day. THAT’S IN-FREAKING-SANE. You’re basically on perpetual Ramadan. And that’s not very healthy. So I thought maybe if you had more spices to cook with, you’ll be inspired to eat more frequently. And when you eat, you’ll feel happier, and when you feel happier you’ll think of me. Because I want you to be happy. When I hear you say that you’ve had a good day, and you have time to rest, it never ever fails to put a smile on my face. Please use this gift. Also, this is very much shareable with the people in your house. Bon Apetit!


GIFT 10. A Colorful Watch


Nike Fact: “I’ve never seen you wear a watch.”


I’ve actually always seen you only in black and white. And never with a watch. So I thought I’d get you a colorful watch. For someone as ambitious as you with all your Grand Life Plans, you’ll need a watch. Not only because you need to tell the time, but because having a watch really expresses a lot of personality. #cheesyexplanation I want to spend more time with you.

(that was actually a pretty ok line, because it’s based on the solid truth of how I feel about you) #apagslines




By this time, you are probably tired from reading. Apologies. I guess I have a lot to say. But I’ll make the ending as short as possible.


Let me change my previous statement. No. I don’t think I Like like like like you. Listen carefully. You once said that “I like things clear and simple”. You don’t like guessing. You don’t like mind games. That’s actually a bit difficult. To be utterly and completely honest with you. It’s just that, I feel like you can be so guarded at times. It really brings out a lot of fear. And if I say the truth, I’m not exactly sure if you’ll trust or believe me. But Screw it. So here I go, making it as clear as I can possibly make it.



Screen Shot 2015-12-16 at 11.48.31 PM

This is what the next page looked like (p17)

So now, I guess, you’re asking: “What does this guy want?” Well, the way I see it, you’ve got three options right now.


Option 1 (recommended). You’ll let me court you and you’ll be open to the process of us getting to know each other. I mean, I’m fine with waiting, I’m fine with the process. Then we can go from there. Demanding ba? And maybe, no matter how much of a long shot it is, maybe you can fall for me too? Hahaha. Or eventually reject me. Your Loss. Joke. Super joke. If you reject me after courting you, then it’ll be ok. You don’t have to return how I feel for you, at least not yet. Rejection…hmm. Which brings me to…


Option 2 (not recommended, but still ok). Reject me now. Say to me that you can’t fall for me, and we can just be friends. This will hurt my enormously proportioned ego, as well as my tender heart hahaha. I will probably not talk to you for a few days or weeks, as I wallow in my sadness, but I’ll be ok eventually. You don’t even have to tell me the reason. You don’t even have to say those cliché lines like “It’s not you, it’s me.” or if there’s someone else (Adidas). You just have to tell me you’d only want to be friends and you don’t feel the way I do. That’s a much better scenario than not knowing. At least I’m not guessing. I’m very bad at guessing too. Let’s keep things simple, if you don’t mind.


Option 3 (understandable). You’re not sure. You’ll think about it. So you won’t say anything and keep me guessing. This would suck totally. I am usually a positive thinker, that there is nothing that comes my way that I can’t handle. So I’ll probably just make asa. And if you eventually decide to reject me, then I’ll probably be mega depressed that I might not talk to you for months. Note that I am not rushing you to respond if you’re not sure. But please, for my sake, if you really respect me and if you have a good heart, don’t take too long. But thanks for thinking about it at least.


Whatever option you pick though, I want you to know one thing. On my end, I’m NOT gonna be treating our friendship differently. I don’t want us to be awkward, and I’ll do everything in my power as an amazing actor to make it as such. No awkwardness, whatever happens. That you can be sure of. I’m not gonna be bitter or whatever.


So anyway, this letter is done. The deed, and my grand expression of how I feel is finished. I won’t linger on it any longer. I did what I wanted to do. I now have to stop worrying about whether I want to do this. I did it na.

Now, I’ll have to wait. And more importantly, I’ll have to hope. This is a big gamble. I don’t know if after this you’ll walk away from me forever. That I never get to see you again. That I will be known in the history book of your life as just some “older guy who fell for you.” So was this gamble worth it?

Honestly, I’m not one to gamble, it’s not my thing, but I guess I’m making a huge gamble nga with this gesture. I finally understand why people make gambles like this. Why they spend countless hours, countless resources, countless heartaches on such gambles. Because they hope that they win BIG. I don’t know my chances with you, but I stopped caring the moment this box left my hands.


I’ve made my move.


And I’m not afraid. I’m actually pretty relaxed right now.


I’ve made my move, so please, make yours. Buti nga ikaw may options. Hahaha. See you soon (hopefully) and take care Nike!





Time finished Dec 21 11:58 pm

Starbucks, Katipunan Ave., QC



What the Gift Looked Like


I picked up these flowers that day

There is actually a part 2 to this letter. But I don’t think I’ll ever post that.


I guess I’m ending this post with three reflections:

  1. Never be afraid to let people how you feel – Especially if it’s a good thing. It’s so sad sometimes when you want to tell people how much they mean to you but you’re afraid that they won’t believe you, that they’ll be awkward of whatever. With what I did, I did not necessarily get the results that I wanted, and that’s ok. At least, I never had to wonder about what would happen if I never go to do it. I’m sure more often than not, things will end up better. You’ll surprise yourself. And even if they don’t, I think you still end up being a better person. Like me Hihihihih
  2. It’s ok to be alone – A year after this heartbreak, I think I’m ok. Sometimes, I wish I had someone who I can call at the end of the day, to just tell me I’ll be okay. And more importantly, I want someone I can call at the end of the day, and tell her that everything will be fine. Even if it seems that they aren’t. But you know what guys, even if there’s nobody like that in my life right now, I can still do that. For friends, for family. Especially my pamangkin, who is my life right now. And my mom, who I love very much. I realized that you’re never fully alone. Ang dami kayang tao sa mundo. And you are important to a bunch of them. Even if you feel alone sometimes, remember you can always find a friend.  Kung wala, I offer my friendship. Let’s friends.
  3. And lastly, time passes. Time always moves forward. Unless you’ve invented a freaking time machine. Life was designed to move forward. So, really, it doesn’t make sense that you don’t. Sure you can linger from time to time, but always keep moving forward. Pauso ka naman masiyado kung nag ooverstay ka sa isang time period. Everything will move, everything will change, don’t let yourself get caught up in the past.

That’s it. Thank you for reading this. And Thank you to everyone who made me feel a little less like a basura. You guys are so panalo. I am fortunate to be in your company.

And Now, Onward!

PS. Hi Suzy 899 <3!!!


“Sometimes walking away has a nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with Strength”

– from Trylife