#apagsibig

My 420 high? #apagibig

By | apagsibig | No Comments

Today, I am celebrating two months of being in a relationship with the most awesome girl in the world. A bunch of people have been asking about how we first met, and I think I should write about it. My blog needs a new entry anyway. Hahaha. This is our story. If you’re not the cheesy, sappy type of person, fair warning: CAUTION KINDA CHEESY UP AHEAD. Sorry medyo mahaba.

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WHEN “TO MY SOON TO BAE” GOT REDUCED TO JUST “TO MY BAE”

 

Chapter 1 – How we met.

 

When I changed my facebook status to “in a relationship”, a bunch of people were curious as to what happened. Who she is, how I met her, what lead to the change in relationship status, etc. This is the story. At least from my point of view.

 

I met her randomly, without plan. It was January 20, 2016. 519 days or 12,456 hours after I turned single. Almost two years.

 

It was at an event. The Sud x Words Anonymous Album launch. Route 196 was the venue. I was playing host to an insane crowd of 400 plus sweaty people jumping and dancing and singing to Sud and WA’s awesome set. I was having so much fun! After the bands had played and the poets had spoken, it was DJ Jessica Milner’s awesome set of hits comprised of 90’s, 00’s and current hits. It was crazy fun. Some of the people had already left, and the initial Route mob was reduced to a few friends (and little did I know, future friends).

 

Around past midnight, I saw her.

 

Black dress.

 

Simple sling Bag.

 

Red horse beer in hand.

 

Accesorized with an insanely cute smile.

 

What she was wearing the night we met

What she was wearing the night we met (with her friend Judy)

I immediate think to myself: “This girl is CUTENESS of the highest order.”

 

I watch her for a bit as she grooved with the beat. I was grooving too. I remember something. I realized that I had already drank a few beer bottles, so I should be confident enough to approach her. I wait a bit to see when she approaches the bar to get another drink. Not that I was planning to get her a drink. I was sort of waiting around to see if she was with a boyfriend. I didn’t want trouble. All I wanted (and I think this is also what most guys want when they see a pretty girl in a bar), was to know her name (at least most guys I know). She didn’t seem like she was with anyone, so with my liquor induced courage, I approach her. The music was loud, so I scream whisper to her.

 

My line was:

 

“Hey, ang ganda ng music noh?”

 

She nods in approval, and I see her smile. I semi awkwardly danced beside her (not with her or to her). Few moments later, I extend my quivering hand, a bit nervous, a bit excited, actually a bunch of mixed feelings. I guess I already knew this girl was beyond ordinary. “I’m Apags pala.”

Trudat

Trudat.

“Elise.” she receives my shaking shaky hand.

 

I bump her Red Horse with my almost finished San Mig Light Bottle. I think to myself, “Elise. Pretty name. An even prettier smile.” I turn around and leave. Might say something silly. Good move. Walk away. Pa mysterious. Pa cool. Swabe moves.

 

Joke. IT WAS NONE OF THOSE THINGS.

 

SOBRANG HINDI SWABE. Overly kinabahan lang. I WAS SO SCARED TO SAY SOMETHING TURNOFFING. Was thinking to myself that with a face and smile like that, FOR SURE, MAY BOYFRIEND YAN.

 

I spend the rest of the night not minding her. I was actually kinda flirting with someone else then, too. So no biggie. But I remember going home that night thinking about her smile. and that made me smile.

 

Us recreating the first night we met at Route 196. Roughly this spot.

Us recreating the first night we met at Route 196. Roughly this spot.

 

Chapter 2 – When the meeting became friends.

 

During that night, I posted a picture on my instagram about the event. Little did I know that that post would lead to something else much greater.

 

A few days later, the band Sud reposts one of my pictures. I see a like.

 

“_elisegarcia liked your photo”

 

Click on username. HOLY LORD JESUS CHRIST. ITS THE GIRL WITH THE FANTASTIC SMILE WHO DRINKS RED HORSE BECAUSE SHE’S COOL AND MAANGAS.

 

It was time for Operation “CRUSH KITA KAYA I-AADD KITA SA FACEBOOK PARA MAKITA KO KUNG MAY BOYFRIEND KA KASI CRUSH KITA GIRL.”

 

Open Facebook. Check her profile. No relationship status. Check recent pics both on IG and FB. No recent boy sighted.

 

ADD ON FACEBOOK. GIVE ME ACCESS TO YOUR PICTURES MY CRUSH. YES. YOU DO NOT KNOW ME. I AM WATCHING YOU NOW. PLEASE LORD SANA I-ACCEPT NIYA.

 

“You and Elise are now friends.”

 

Self high-five.

 

Stalk stalk stalk stalk stalk. CRUSH CRUSH CRUSH CRUSH OMG CRUSH KITA TALAGA PHYSICALLY AND PERSONALITY WISE.

 

I almost talk to her, but then again I held back.

 

Subtext: DON’T CHAT WITH HER. BAKA MAY BOYFRIEND, HINDI LANG NAKALAGAY SA SOCIAL MEDIA NIYA.

 

Oh, she likes the beach. Oh she cooks. Oh she’s (insert bunch of other inferences about her personality because I’m too shy to talk to her pa).

 

MAN I AM SO STRESSED CRUSH. I need to unwind. Need to get my mind off of this.

 

Open Tinder.

 

Swipe left. Swipe Left. Swipe Right. HOLY LORD JESUS YOU ARE ON TINDER, MY CRUSH.

 

It was at that point I thought to myself: SINGLE KA NGA.

 

SWIPE RIGHT WITH A LITTLE PRAYER.

 

“You matched with Elise.”

 

LORD GOD ALMIGHTY I LOVE YOU.

 

It was time for operation “PWEDE NA KITANG I CHAT PAREHO TAYONG SINGLE EH.”

 

“Hey! it’s weird, I met you na in person and we’re facebook friends, before we matched here. Usually it’s the other way around diba? Haha.”

 

“Haha yeah,” she replies.

 

“Usap nalang tayo sa facebook. I rarely open this app (this is true though, I rarely opened tinder na noon.”

 

And we started chatting. First we chatted about the usual stuff, work, common friends, and then about more personal stuff, like stuff we enjoyed, 90’s kids moments. I remember, while I was chatting with her, I would feel sleepy because late na, but I never wanted to stop, because she was so much fun to talk to. It was crazy how I had so much in common with this person. Felt like I’ve known her all my life.

 

A couple of days of chatting like that, and I was pretty much hooked on her.

 

How can you not be hooked on a girl as prety and as amazing as this one?

How can you not be hooked on a girl as pretty and as amazing as this one?

 

HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. CRUSH HAS NOW TRANSFORMED INTO “LIKE”.

 

Chapter 3 – The first semi date.

 

It was a whirlwind week: Seeing her smile, awkward dancing with her, adding her on social media, and chatting with her.

 

It was a Thursday. We were chatting as usual. She mentions that she was gonna go to a gig the following night. A music video launch for Jensen and the flips. She asked if I was gonna go. I said I didn’t know about the gig. She didn’t ask me to go, but I said I’d drop by anyway.

 

Friday. I was asking my friends if they wanted to go to the gig. Sa Saguijo. Hassle. Sa Ortigas kami nag-wowork. Traffic. Mahal Uber. Hirap pa ng parking.

 

The super fun gig, music video launch of Jensen and the Flips

The super fun pero medyo hassle gig, music video launch of Jensen and the Flips kasi sa Saguijo at Ortigas ako.

LORD I WANNA GO PERO WALA AKONG KASAMA. ANONG GAGAWIN KO OMG. SHET SHET SHET EXPLETIVES. I WANNA SEE MY CRUSH.

 

You know what I did? I went anyway. I commuted via shuttle to Saguijo alone. I wanted to see her. And if she was with other friends (guys), I would just leave after. But I wanted to see if our chats could be as fun in real life. Just to check, really. I didn’t know what was gonna happen.

 

This is us recereating our first hangout since we met. We were wearing these shoes.

This is us recreating our first hangout since we met. We were wearing these shoes.

 

I ended up spending the whole event just talking to her and getting to know her. Man, this girl is really above and beyond my impressions of her. She is just a pleasant surprise. I even got to meet some of her friends, and they were really fun and cool. We went to her friends apartment, and we talked some more.

 

I ended up that night bringing her to her house thru uber. She was a bit sleepy already, so she leaned on my shoulder. Her hair smells really good. Left hook to arm around her shoulder.

 

She leans closer.

 

I hold her hand. Yung serious na holding hands ah. Yung may interlocking fingers. Hindi yung parang pang our father sa church. Yung pang “May nararamdaman ako para sa iyo.”

 

She interlocks her fingers, too.

 

 

Chapter 5 – Nung naging kami.

 

We spend the next few days always seeing each other. Having lunch, or dinner, or drinks, or something. I had already confessed my feelings for her, and hse felt the same way.

 

I was scared. Things were going too fast. But then, I realized that it was ok. We were both taking risks. But there was something there. And the thing about grownups is that, we might have the same fears as young people when it comes to relationships, but based on our experiences, we have a different kind of courage in facing them. Yes, we dated for two weeks before we got together. Hindi matagal, people will say, But I don’t care. We don’t care what you think. We’re cool like that.

 

I told her, I don’t know what I did good for me to meet someone as perfect as her. I don’t know if I deserve her. I don’t know why we met the way we did, and why we fell for each other similarly.  But I’m glad we did. There has to be a reason why we only met now, why we met like this, and why we feel this way about each other. Maybe it was fate. Maybe it’s all luck. But I wanna keep doing this thing with you.

 

On my birthday (Feb 11), I wanted to spend time with her. But she was out of town. We did have a salubong though. So I was kinda sad.

 

Us faceswapping during my bday salubong.

Us face swapping during my birthday salubong.

 

On Valentines Day, she was still away. I woke up early to message her. But that morning, my facebook wall was so full of couple pics, and I got so annoyed! Annoyed at the fact that I couldn’t spend the day with the person who I wanted to be my Valentine.

 

So I drove to her. God, I was just so annoyed. So I surprised her. I just went there to have lunch with her. Then I went home. It was at that point, I knew I was in love with this girl. I was happy I did that. Even if initially I thought it was out of annoyance, I ended up realizing that I did it nga because I loved her.

I surprised her. I asked her to send a selfie, then I sent this selfie with her in the background.

I surprised her. I asked her to send a selfie, then I sent this selfie with her in the background.

I loved her na. I knew I wanted to be with her, and her alone. No point in playing games, keeping it in, or whatever.

 

Yup, I already loved her at this point.

Yup, I already loved her at this point.

February 20. We were hanging out in my house. We were talking. This is the conversation.

 

“Alam mo, mahal na kita, ” I said.

 

“Mahal na rin kita,” she replies

 

“Tara, maging tayo na, ” I reply.

 

“Sige. Tara. Tayo na,” she ends.

 

Walang drama, walang arte. Usapang masinsinan lang.

We decide right then and there to commit to each other. I know it’s not as romantic as big proposals, or whatever. But it worked for us. And we got together. And my life has been so much more.

 

Us with my Niece, Mirka at the beach. I am wearing a tita hat.

Us with my Niece, Mirka at the beach. I am wearing a tita hat.

Two months of being with someone who makes me such a better person, I wish everyone can experience this in some form. You know how awful and tragic my 2015 was, and I don’t know if this little story of mine gives you guys hope. But I hope it does.

 

A saying goes “When you’re going through hell, Just keep walking.” Johnnie Walker ad ba ito. Anyway. My point is, things do work themselves out. I thought they wouldn’t for me, but I’ve never been happier to be wrong.

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There is someone out there who will make us so happy. Someone who will hug us until all the wounds of yesterday start getting healed. Someone who will hold us until all the broken parts of us glue themselves back together. Someone who will remind us that we are meant to be loved. For me, it’s Elise.

 

I’m really happy being with her.

 

You know how much I love you, babe. Chamba nga siguro how we met, especially the timing. But from this day forth, I will love you with all my heart. And that decision to love you everyday and to try and be the best person I can be for you, well, hindi na yon chamba.

#apagibig

 

The two of us voting the same person for werewolves

The two of us voting the same person for werewolves. We are on the same team, now and always.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Most Romantic/Craziest Thing I’ve ever done for a Girl

By | apagsibig | No Comments

Warning: Long, emotional, possibly annoying post about my issues. Thank you to everyone who will read. Apologies to those who will read and get annoyed.  #apagsibig

WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT?

Some people have asked me what was the most romantic thing I’ve ever done for a girl? What’s the craziest? What’s the most painful memory I’ve had with someone on a romantic level? And those questions aren’t very easy to answer.

I’ve had some really memorable moments. Sometimes memories I want to replay over and over again in all my waking hours. And some memories I wish I didn’t have to remember, but I can’t forget no matter how hard I tried. The following story falls under all those kinds of memories –and by that I mean,  it has both good and bad stuff in it.

This is the last love confession I did. This happened last year. Around this time too. I wrote a letter to a girl I felt strongly for.

SPOILER ALERT: This love confession didn’t really amount to much. She said she wasn’t ready. But I couldn’t help but feel that it meant like she wasn’t ready for me. That she could never feel the same way about me because I wasn’t good enough. It feeds insecurities, you know. And it really made me sad. That and the other saddening factors of 2015 led to many moments where I felt so alone, and unvaluable. Hence the event. This rejection was actually the start of my 2015. Before everything. I was a being run to the ground.

And to be honest, it took me a long time to bounce back from this one. Maybe I’m still trying to bounce back. With 2015 being a difficult year, this “getting over period” didn’t exactly help. For the past year, I really didn’t feel like I was worth much. Moreover, I really didn’t want to be involved with anyone, because I feel like I was just gonna drag them down with my problems.  But something has changed.

SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS APAGS?

So I’m sharing this with you guys now, because last night, when I posted about our Poetry Workshop Batch Folio, a lot of people messaged me to congratulate me. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was worth something, like what I was doing was important.

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Our Batch folio (Photo by Neto Aedto)

Sure I post a lot of funny shit in my facebook. But it wasn’t because I felt important. The simple reason why I try to be funny (a lot of times) is because IF I couldn’t make myself happy, then at least I can try making a few of my friends happy. And when my friends are happy with a pun/joke I tell, or a picture I share, or a weird/clumsy/sablay thing I do, I’m a little less sad, and a little less lonely.

I hope you guys enjoy reading this letter. To protect the identity of the person this was intended for, I have changed all names to Shoe Brands like “Nike” or “Adidas” and contextual clues to “something”.  If by for some reason you can guess who this is for, please keep it to yourself. This is a thing of the past. I harbor no ill-feelings towards her. I’m happy I got the chance get to know her even for a bit. I understand, I was the problem. And I think I’ve learned my lesson. This entire situation changed me, honestly.

I added a few lines of commentary for you guys in square brackets for better understanding [ ] Ang hirap kayang gumawa ng footnotes sa blog.

At the end of the day, I’m content with believing in the saying “some things aren’t meant to be”, but still, some things are. Maybe I’ll find what’s meant for me too. Maybe.

 

#Heynike – December 17, 2014

December 17, 2014

Hey Nike.

How are you? I bet you are wondering what the hell this is all about. I’m writing this letter and I’m actually still not quite sure why. I don’t actually know if you hate me, or if you’re angry at me, or just weirded out. I mean, you’re not talking to me and I don’t really know why. I actually sort of hate you right now, honestly. I don’t know what sort of reaction I want you to feel while reading this. The only thing I know is that it’s Christmas — and at Christmas you tell the truth — and I wanna tell you the truth as to some things that I’ve been feeling. I’ll try not to make this too long, but I’ll have to ask you to bear with me in terms of the length. If you’re busy, by all means, I’m not asking for an immediate response. Don’t take too long though, coz it’ll make me paranoid and shit. Haha #truth To quote Coldplay, This isn’t easy. Apparently, I didn’t think it would be so hard too. Especially not having the slightest idea of how this is going to be understood and interpreted by you. Heck, I’ve written that first paragraph and things still don’t exactly/completely make sense to me.

 

ACT 1 – WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?

 

First of all, I’m sorry if I had said anything that was weird or if I offended you in any way. The truth is, I like you. Let’s get that over with. Like legit like-like-like-like you. When I say I miss you, or that I’m thinking of you, please know that it is genuine, sincere, honest and true. I guess I should tell you the entire story, but you’re the main character, so you probably know how this is going to play out. [I wanted to tell her the series of events that lead to this]

 

I met you last year at the “Something” workshop. I thought you were cute, but not really much after that. I mean, you were cute, but I didn’t really talk to you, so I didn’t think of you after that; but that all changed this year. I met you. I talked to you, and this is perfectly assuming — I felt like I really got to know you. Then there was this period where I was messaging you and you weren’t replying. I told you about this. You said you were just avoiding the world. My thoughts the entire time was that you already knew I liked you and you weren’t interested at all. I can be pretty obvious naman kasi. Sorry, subtlety is not exactly a strength of mine…I guess I was kinda getting over you. Till that day I saw you again in “somewhere” and we had lunch.

When I got to hang out with you this year a few times, I must admit, I did have a crush on you. I’ve always thought you were pretty. But listening to you, that ‘crush’ went to a whole new level. I found you very interesting and intriguing. Interesting because you have this headstrong personality but not intimidating. Despite what you’ve been through. You have this way of making conversations seem pleasant even though they’re sometimes too serious or too madrama. You’re intriguing as well because you’re so different. I mean, the more stuff I discover about you, the more I see how utterly unique and special you are. I honestly know it’s weird coming from someone who had just been in a long-time relationship. [I had just turned single a few months before this] You could be thinking I’m just being malandi or whatever, but it is true.

I think you’re absolutely fantastic as a person.

Then we had that perfect Sunday evening. Emphasis on the word perfect. At least for me. Ramen x Gyuniku Dinner. Milk Tea. Hanging out in “Somewhere”. I still remember it. Eating dessert, Singing Beatles and Maroon 5 songs, Carrying you, Cracking your back, Watching you look at the books (sort of like Belle when Beast gave her a library) and just talking to you. More like listening to you. Making you laugh.

 

When I dropped you home that night to go to my other shoot, it was really sad driving away from you. For that evening was just so enjoyable and I didn’t want it to end. And then we started vibering again and it wasn’t weird. I honestly thought you’d be weirded out, but thankfully you weren’t (or at least you hid it pretty well). I’ve always told myself, I was gonna enjoy your company, and if I start like liking you bahala na. Probably it wasn’t gonna happen. And if it did, it wouldn’t work. We’re two people, too different. Plus the fact that a lot of people like you, may mga nanliligaw na sa’yo, and then there’s Adidas too. Everyday, I would try to talk myself out of liking you. THAT I WAS NOT GONNA GIVE YOU THE POWER TO HURT ME. Na ok lang yan, I should be ok with us just being friends. Even though I really started seriously liking you na. I guess I was also afraid too. You ever get that feeling that some things are too good to be true? Things were too perfect. You were even more than perfect. When I told the story of that perfect night to my best friend he said “That has to be the most romantic evening in the history of two people who are not romantically connected in any shape or form. It could be that she really likes you….. OR ang galing niyang magpa-asa.” [my best friend is a super funny guy HAHAHAH]

 

The last two or three weeks we haven’t been talking. Honestly, I feel as though I’ve been reaching out to you, and you’ve been ignoring me. I hate being ignored. Totally hate it. Also because I don’t know if it’s me or if there’s something bothering you or something you’re going through. Of course, I’m inclined to think it’s me. I’m narcissistic like that. I don’t let a lot of things bring me down. I believe in this saying: If a person doesn’t FFF me, they have no right to make me feel bad. (Triple F stands for FEED, FREAK or FUND) [A great man gave me this piece of advice]. You might think I’m emo with all the sad poetry I write. But I’m really not. I do that for my Emo friends. They enjoy it, it makes them feel like they’re not alone. And I’m actually pretty skilled at writing sad poetry. It’s where I can pour out my creativity. [I write funny emo poetry hahaha]

 

Anyway, going back, usually, when someone ignores me, I’m arrogant enough to just stop caring completely. Which I tried. Apparently I failed. Seriously speaking, it’s a terrible equation: ME LIKE LIKE LIKE LIKING YOU + YOU NOT TALKING TO ME + APAGS NARCISSISM = APAGS KIND OF GOING CRAZY.

 

Partly, that’s why I decided to do this. Truth be told, I feel so crazy for really doing this. For actually just even feeling like this. I’m usually in control of these emotions of mine (that’s one perk of being an actor and a director, you actually understand these feelings), but with you,

that locus of control just doesn’t have its usual potency.

 

So anyway, going back, I decided I was gonna do something to express how I feel about you. #apagsconfession. Ever since that first night we got to hung out at “Somewhere”, I had somewhat of a crush on you. Do you remember that night? We played a game called “I like.” We spent 2 hours talking, and it went by so quickly. It’s also the first time I brought you home. You we’re gonna get a cab in Mcdo, and I said I’d just bring you home since you live very near me (more importantly, also because I didn’t wanna end our conversation just yet). It was that night that we dueted to “Way Back into love.” [great song noh?]

 

Anyway, that night, I decided to keep a list of random things about you. I have quite the dull memory, but I wanted to remember our conversations, so I decided to make this list nga. The reason being crush nga kita. Anyway, the list is called “Random Nike Facts”. Never thought it would come in handy ’till I decided to do this. Initially, I just wanted to keep up with our conversations, so that the next time, I wouldn’t look so Bobo or clueless as to the things we’ve talked about. And maybe go into things we haven’t talked about. Or maybe someday write a character for a movie that resembles you (though that would be difficult, coz I can’t imagine imagining a character that’s as severely complex and complicated as you). You have my permission to feel VERY MUCH CREEPED OR WEIRDED OUT at this point. Not really sure why I kept the list, but not really regretting keeping it as well. At least I got to know you. My best friend comments, “you want to get to know her and you’re cheating? I approve of this list! (and no, I never showed him the list. It’s mine. It’s my kodigo. No sharing.)” #creepyapags #selfishapags [i eventually showed him the list]

 

So with the list as my reference, I made a plan. This is me being totally out of character. NO. I AM NOT A PLANNING KIND OF GUY. I AM SPONTENEOUS AND UNPREDICTABLE. LIKE A TYPHOON. OR A FASHION TREND. I like getting surprised by the twists and turns of life. And if there’s one thing I’m good at, is being able to adapt. That’s my personality. That’s my super power. Being like bacteria and catching up to the ever changing tides of this mortal life. I’m bad-ass like that. Wait.

Shit.

If I can adapt, why the hell did I keep this list? Thinking about it, it’s just really something different about you. Like when I’m talking to you, I’m just at a loss for words. I don’t feel as confident as I normally am. You’re that different, apparently. Anyway, I digress. List in hand, I made a plan. A plan to actually try and impress you. I don’t know if this is too madrama or too OA, but I just don’t care. I made a plan to impress you. And to express how I feel….

Yeah. That’s it….

 

So here’s the plan. I thought I’d give you ten little things that I think will make you smile based on my “Random Nike Facts” List. Being the smart girl, you probably already know that one entry on the “Random Nike Facts” list is your Starbucks drink. “Iced Americano with White Mocha syrup – 3 pumps, Breve, Grande.” I tried it, and it tastes pretty weird for me. Sorry. Hahaha. This was actually what inspired #apagsweirdlists (my buzzfeed like weird funny listings on Facebook, but I’m not sure if you’ve seen those). Though I’ve retired listing those, I’ll do one last list. And this is that list.

 

*throughout this list, I will be using hashtags, not because of their online purpose, but just because I like using hashtags. It’s a challenge to condense feelings and thoughts into as few words as possible. Among hashtags will be #creepyapags and #kiligapags, to name a few. Haha again please bear with it. It amuses me to use these.

 

Anyway, please go through the gifts in order. This letter is divided into parts within the gifts. Kindly open everything to get the full story. I am guessing reading and opening the gifts will probably take you around 40-45 minutes. With a bathroom break, probably 45-50 minutes. So if you’re busy right now, please don’t open them muna until you’re kinda free for an hour. And for my minimal embarassment, please do it in private. Baka naman buksan mo ito sa sala niyo with your family watching or worse with Adidas [Adidas is a guy who she has had a complicated relationship with, yung parang sila pero hindi? Ewan, I don’t exactly remember] hearing every heartfelt word I am saying. My god, I’ll be so embarassed. Hahaha. If you do do this in Public, you will be like the most evil person I know. But you’re not. So let’s continue, shall we? [each gift and the description is on one page. So as she opens the gifts, she opens a new page in the letter.]

 

ACT 2 – THE GIFTS

 

10 Things I want to give to my crush right now. (OBVIOUSLY THAT’S YOU) based on Random Nike Facts.

 

GIFT 1. Flowers

 

Nike Fact: “You like things that smell nice.”

 

Item number 1 on the list are flowers that smell nice. You once said that one of the things that you like are those that smell nice. And it shows, I mean, you smell really nice too. When I drive you home, my car actually smells like you for around 5-10 minutes. Makes the drive home more fun. I drive slower going home because of that, actually. #creepyapags. #apagsconfession. I do try and take an effort to smell nice for you. You actually complimented me and my hair [I had super long hair before] a few times for smelling nice. Honestly, super kinilig ako dun. You actually discovered how to make me kilig. Not everyone knows this. #kiligapags. Plus, medyo romantic yung flowers ‘di ba? I can be romantic sometimes. HAHA.

GIFT 2. A Panda Onesie

 

Nike fact: “You barely sleep and have been having a hard time waking up as of late.”

 

You’ve told me before that you barely sleep and recently you’ve been having problems getting up. I get it. You’re a busy bee. It makes sense. Active ka sa Something and sa Something. I mean, I was once a “something” too. But, for those nights that you can really afford to sleep in, I would completely recommend this fantastic piece of sleepwear. Plus, also, you said you thought Pandas are cute. Which they are. Nobody in the free, modern world would think Pandas are NOT cute. They’re fat vegetarians. They’re fluffy and cuddly but can take your head off with one swipe. They’re oxymoronic. I guess kinda like you. And no, I don’t think you’re fat. Nor a vegetarian. Anyway, apologies, I’m rambling again. Please use this and hopefully it gives you a better sleeping experience. Dream of me too? Maybe that’ll help. #feelingmoapags #apagsconfession. I did dream of you already. So (technically) you’re (one) of my dream girls hahaha. I don’t know how you still look pretty even if you barely sleep. Though I’ve only seen you bagong-gising once, I think I can safely say, your bagong-gising look still looks absolutely amazing. #creepyapags

 GIFT 3. The Strange Library

 

Nike fact: “You’re a Haruki Murakami fan. Just like me.”

 

I’m not sure if you already have this book. This is Murakami’s latest Book. If you do and if you’ve read it, can you let me read this? I have only read the book descriptions. Apparently it’s about a boy who gets trapped in the strange library. He tries to escape. Seems like something I’ve been feeling. #apagsfeels. Maybe something you’ve been feeling with a lot of things in your life too. Anyway, I hope this book is good, and it provides somewhat of the escape/relax you need.

 

GIFT 4. Lion Pencil Case

Nike Fact: “Your Birthday is in August. Which makes you a Leo.”

 

Also. You post on twitter every now and then your horoscope. Leo’s are usually very warm but very firm. Which is so you by the way. I don’t really have a long explanation for this gift other than it’s useful and cute. Still kinda like you. You’re cute (I think we’ve established that). And useful. Which is true because when I’m sad or stressed, just talking to you makes me forget my stresses, even for just a few minutes. So thank you for being who you are. By the way, Leos go with Aquarians. They match. I looked it up. And guess who’s an Aquarian? #apagsisaquarian hahaha. Anyway. Moving on.

 

GIFT 5. Yoga Back Roller

 

Nike Fact: “You like to yoga.”

 

This was actually a pretty difficult gift to think of. I mean, what the hell do yoga people need? A mat (which you probably have), a towel (again I can’t imagine you not having a yoga towel), and flexibility. And then I remembered you saying your back bothers you from time to time. You really enjoyed that back cracking technique we did right? So I thought I’d get you something for your back. This foam roller, I’ve tried a bunch of these and they’re really good. You can just youtube exercises for them. But even just lying down on this and rolling your lower back on it does wonders. Maybe a freaking cheesy explanation for this gift is: “Nike, #apagshasyourback.” Please try it soon!

Did that make you laugh? Yes? Go laugh some more. #apagscanmakeyoulaugh

No? I thought so. Let’s move on nalang shall we? #apagsfailsenseofhumor.

 

GIFT 6. An Instax

 

Nike Fact: “You lost your camera. That totally sucks.”

 

So I thought I’d give you an Instax. I was hoping this will do for now while you’re waiting to get a new Camera. It could be fun for you. Plus, it’s a different experience actually having printed pictures. I actually don’t know how much of a photography fan you are, but I’m really hoping this is something you’ll enjoy and really put to use. #printsaremorevaluable. If you can, can you take a picture of yourself and give it to me? I’d like that very much. #apagsrequests

 

GIFT 7. An Inflatable Globe

 

Nike Fact: “You dream of seeing the world.”

 

Well, I can’t exactly give you the world right now. But… what I can give you is a smaller scale replica of it. It’s inflatable. And you can draw or write on it with a whiteboard marker too. And you really LITERALLY get to SEE AND PLAY with the world.

Well, other than this gift being fun, because you can throw it around and such, I really don’t have much of an explanation for it. #apagscheesyexplanations maybe I…. #wanttobepartofyourworld? Ok that was pretty lame. #sharemyworldwithyou? Still pretty lame. I’ll let you know if I think of a non-lame ass explanation.

You mentioned to me before that your ideal life would be walking around New York in your trench coat, coffee in hand, living the good life. So I think you should start by marking New York on this globe. Yeah. And I have no doubt you’ll go places. Ikaw pa. You’re driven, you’re smart, those two traits alone will get you pretty far. So there’s no reason to believe you won’t make it out there. Just don’t try to rush it I guess? #unwarrantedadvice

 

GIFT 8. Watercolor Paint Brushes

 

Nike Fact: “You Watercolor.”

 

So I got you Watercolor Paint Brushes. I don’t know anything about painting, much less about watercoloring. So I just got you a small, medium, and Large brush. If this was about sports, fashion, or video games, then I would be more of an expert. And well, you seem to enjoy talking about watercolor. Anyway, No further explanation. Let’s move on.

 

GIFT 9. Spices and Onions (which isn’t technically a spice).

 

Nike Fact: “The oddest thing in the world is you don’t like sauce. Like seriously, EVERYBODY FANCIES SOME SORT OF SAUCE AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER.”

 

I thought I’d get you something for your house. But I was stumped, because I don’t know what you already have in the house. I don’t know if you need anything for your room, or your bathroom. or your sala. So I thought, ” Giving a gift for the Kitchen might be a good idea.” And since you don’t like sauce, I thought I’d give you this. They’re different spices. I use them for cooking. You cook too; with a lot of Onions! (that’s also on the Random Nike Facts list). So I got you Onions. You also mentioned that you only eat once a day. THAT’S IN-FREAKING-SANE. You’re basically on perpetual Ramadan. And that’s not very healthy. So I thought maybe if you had more spices to cook with, you’ll be inspired to eat more frequently. And when you eat, you’ll feel happier, and when you feel happier you’ll think of me. Because I want you to be happy. When I hear you say that you’ve had a good day, and you have time to rest, it never ever fails to put a smile on my face. Please use this gift. Also, this is very much shareable with the people in your house. Bon Apetit!

 

GIFT 10. A Colorful Watch

 

Nike Fact: “I’ve never seen you wear a watch.”

 

I’ve actually always seen you only in black and white. And never with a watch. So I thought I’d get you a colorful watch. For someone as ambitious as you with all your Grand Life Plans, you’ll need a watch. Not only because you need to tell the time, but because having a watch really expresses a lot of personality. #cheesyexplanation I want to spend more time with you.

(that was actually a pretty ok line, because it’s based on the solid truth of how I feel about you) #apagslines

 

ACT 3 – THE CONCLUSION

 

By this time, you are probably tired from reading. Apologies. I guess I have a lot to say. But I’ll make the ending as short as possible.

 

Let me change my previous statement. No. I don’t think I Like like like like you. Listen carefully. You once said that “I like things clear and simple”. You don’t like guessing. You don’t like mind games. That’s actually a bit difficult. To be utterly and completely honest with you. It’s just that, I feel like you can be so guarded at times. It really brings out a lot of fear. And if I say the truth, I’m not exactly sure if you’ll trust or believe me. But Screw it. So here I go, making it as clear as I can possibly make it.

 

 

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This is what the next page looked like (p17)

So now, I guess, you’re asking: “What does this guy want?” Well, the way I see it, you’ve got three options right now.

 

Option 1 (recommended). You’ll let me court you and you’ll be open to the process of us getting to know each other. I mean, I’m fine with waiting, I’m fine with the process. Then we can go from there. Demanding ba? And maybe, no matter how much of a long shot it is, maybe you can fall for me too? Hahaha. Or eventually reject me. Your Loss. Joke. Super joke. If you reject me after courting you, then it’ll be ok. You don’t have to return how I feel for you, at least not yet. Rejection…hmm. Which brings me to…

 

Option 2 (not recommended, but still ok). Reject me now. Say to me that you can’t fall for me, and we can just be friends. This will hurt my enormously proportioned ego, as well as my tender heart hahaha. I will probably not talk to you for a few days or weeks, as I wallow in my sadness, but I’ll be ok eventually. You don’t even have to tell me the reason. You don’t even have to say those cliché lines like “It’s not you, it’s me.” or if there’s someone else (Adidas). You just have to tell me you’d only want to be friends and you don’t feel the way I do. That’s a much better scenario than not knowing. At least I’m not guessing. I’m very bad at guessing too. Let’s keep things simple, if you don’t mind.

 

Option 3 (understandable). You’re not sure. You’ll think about it. So you won’t say anything and keep me guessing. This would suck totally. I am usually a positive thinker, that there is nothing that comes my way that I can’t handle. So I’ll probably just make asa. And if you eventually decide to reject me, then I’ll probably be mega depressed that I might not talk to you for months. Note that I am not rushing you to respond if you’re not sure. But please, for my sake, if you really respect me and if you have a good heart, don’t take too long. But thanks for thinking about it at least.

 

Whatever option you pick though, I want you to know one thing. On my end, I’m NOT gonna be treating our friendship differently. I don’t want us to be awkward, and I’ll do everything in my power as an amazing actor to make it as such. No awkwardness, whatever happens. That you can be sure of. I’m not gonna be bitter or whatever.

 

So anyway, this letter is done. The deed, and my grand expression of how I feel is finished. I won’t linger on it any longer. I did what I wanted to do. I now have to stop worrying about whether I want to do this. I did it na.

Now, I’ll have to wait. And more importantly, I’ll have to hope. This is a big gamble. I don’t know if after this you’ll walk away from me forever. That I never get to see you again. That I will be known in the history book of your life as just some “older guy who fell for you.” So was this gamble worth it?

Honestly, I’m not one to gamble, it’s not my thing, but I guess I’m making a huge gamble nga with this gesture. I finally understand why people make gambles like this. Why they spend countless hours, countless resources, countless heartaches on such gambles. Because they hope that they win BIG. I don’t know my chances with you, but I stopped caring the moment this box left my hands.

 

I’ve made my move.

 

And I’m not afraid. I’m actually pretty relaxed right now.

 

I’ve made my move, so please, make yours. Buti nga ikaw may options. Hahaha. See you soon (hopefully) and take care Nike!

 

Sincerely,

Apags

 

Time finished Dec 21 11:58 pm

Starbucks, Katipunan Ave., QC

 

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What the Gift Looked Like

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I picked up these flowers that day

There is actually a part 2 to this letter. But I don’t think I’ll ever post that.

 

I guess I’m ending this post with three reflections:

  1. Never be afraid to let people how you feel – Especially if it’s a good thing. It’s so sad sometimes when you want to tell people how much they mean to you but you’re afraid that they won’t believe you, that they’ll be awkward of whatever. With what I did, I did not necessarily get the results that I wanted, and that’s ok. At least, I never had to wonder about what would happen if I never go to do it. I’m sure more often than not, things will end up better. You’ll surprise yourself. And even if they don’t, I think you still end up being a better person. Like me Hihihihih
  2. It’s ok to be alone – A year after this heartbreak, I think I’m ok. Sometimes, I wish I had someone who I can call at the end of the day, to just tell me I’ll be okay. And more importantly, I want someone I can call at the end of the day, and tell her that everything will be fine. Even if it seems that they aren’t. But you know what guys, even if there’s nobody like that in my life right now, I can still do that. For friends, for family. Especially my pamangkin, who is my life right now. And my mom, who I love very much. I realized that you’re never fully alone. Ang dami kayang tao sa mundo. And you are important to a bunch of them. Even if you feel alone sometimes, remember you can always find a friend.  Kung wala, I offer my friendship. Let’s friends.
  3. And lastly, time passes. Time always moves forward. Unless you’ve invented a freaking time machine. Life was designed to move forward. So, really, it doesn’t make sense that you don’t. Sure you can linger from time to time, but always keep moving forward. Pauso ka naman masiyado kung nag ooverstay ka sa isang time period. Everything will move, everything will change, don’t let yourself get caught up in the past.

That’s it. Thank you for reading this. And Thank you to everyone who made me feel a little less like a basura. You guys are so panalo. I am fortunate to be in your company.

And Now, Onward!

PS. Hi Suzy 899 <3!!!

 

“Sometimes walking away has a nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with Strength”

– from Trylife

 

Courtship in the Year 2000 vs. Courtship in the Year 2015

By | apagsibig | 2 Comments

 

This is the first entry in my blog’s category of #apagsibig, or love reflections from Apags.

 

And no, I’m not trying to be an advice giver, or a love hater or any sort of way. I’m merely writing some reflections I’ll have about courtship. Which has been a lot in the past few months. Which has changed in the past few years. Maybe this can be a healthy discussion. Or maybe magkaka haters ako. Ok lang. Hahaha. Haters gonna hate.

Anyway, this piece will be a comparison between courtship in the early 2000’s (when I was in high school and college) and today (that I have a job). I’m also incorporating some things that I’ve learned from listening to my students today who have much more experience with this entire concept of courtship hulabaloo. I’m hoping this brings out a few memories, and some new reflections about love and courtship today. Hope you guys have fun with this! I will be discussing certain categories of comparison. If you can relate, gimme a shout out, and I’ll definitely read your comment. (Here is me in my hs class and me a few years ago – and a recent photo by the awesome Gracie Vergara, with Pong Ignacio’s camera hahaha!)

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Target Market of this article: 16-30 years old, Male and Female, who are interested in the concept of courtship. (Sorry this will be a lengthy piece)

 

COURTSHIP IN THE YEAR 2000 vs COURTSHIP IN THE YEAR 2015

 

I. TELECOMMUNICATIONS
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There is a major difference in the channels of communication from back then to now. I think this is a major difference. Does anybody remember the non smart phone texting age? We used old nokia phones. That was limited in terms of txt chrctrs. And we used to press zero twice because it was a faster “0”. And we had to delete messages when that envelope icon would flash at the top right of our nokia phones. When there was no unli text or call. When we had to make graphics using characters like /#&*(%(#? Kids nowadays will never experience that lack of resources in terms of texting. Speaking of kids never experiencing something communications related, do you guys remember the landline? When was the last time you used the term “telebabad”? When was the last time you used a “fonkard” or a pay phone for that matter?

Kids today will never experience the “mini heart attack” that was calling their love interest in the landline. I remember calling one girl I was really into back in high school. I would always wish that her dad or kuya doesn’t answer the phone. Today, wala nang ganoon. May unli text na eh! Kung trip kita, tatawagan kita sa cellphone. Para sure na ikaw sasagot. Today is the age of the FB chat, the emoticon, the whatsapp and viber, the hyperlink, etc. Which I feel has made people less expressive, more lazy. Want to tell a story about what you’re doing in the 2000’s? you had to use words, metaphors, very detailed descriptions, etc. Today, that is reduced to sending a picture. Sending a link to your instagram. Sending a youtube link. Dati, when you wanted to tell a story about your weekend, hand gestures at body language lang meron ka. Ngayon, “check mo instagram ko pre. Ganda nung beach na pinuntahan ko. No filter pare.”

I was talking to my friend, Kristoff, and he said something very interesting. “Ang landline ang nagtuturo sa iyong makipag usap sa tao. Kasi hindi siya parang chat na pwede mong pag-isipan at magdelay ng response. Pag olats ka makipag-usap, ‘di ka papansinin nung girl. Dead air is death.” Kailan niyo last ginamit ang salitang dead air? Wala ng ganyan ngayon. It’s lazy talk.

Wala ng kayang mag present sa class nila ngayon with an Overhead projector or with a piece of information filled big manila paper. Kailangan powerpoint, para madali. Madali sa nag ppresent at umiintindi. No one uses the blackboard. Can you imagine the time when there was no powerpoint? You had to rely on your own words, body language, etc. You think you can present that report on political systems without diagrams? That was a much bigger challenge.

II. COURAGE, THE INFORMATION AGE and SOCIAL MEDIA

Do you remember MIRC? I guess it was the first social media I remember. Yun ang mga unang hashtag. #boo #tops #mchs #obmc. Channels pa ang tawag sa kanila noon. Pag mapasama mo ang crush mo noon sa channel mo, alam mong you’ve made it na.

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“Social Media has made people braver.” I once said that. Then a breath later I said, “But it also made people more cowardly.” Let me explain.

How does the information age make us braver? Simple lang. It gives us information that prepares us for possible difficulties and challenges. Let’s say you like this person. What do you do? Of course, you talk to them, attempt to spend time with them. Then in your private time, you check out their facebook profile. “Oh she likes the Beatles!”. Boom. Social Media fueled courage. Of course, you’re gonna post something Beatles related, and hope she notices. Actions now have reason. What are their like pages? Oh she likes the illuminati. “Punyemas ano ba yung illuminati?” Kung ikaw si kuya, “wiggle” ka hanggang magka knowledge ka (wiggle is a term i made up for wikipedia-ing and googling). Then present yourself to ate girl as someone with the same interests as her. Information age equals bala na pwedeng gamitin para lumandi.

But how does social media make us cowardly? For the same reason. Because we find out things. You kuya, you hate the Cleveland Cavaliers, kasi nandoon si Lebron. Eh si Ate girl sobrang Lebron fan. So mag-baback out ka na. Magkaiba kayo eh! I’ve seen a lot of these. Because of social media incongruence, aatras na.

Ikaw, ate girl, marami kang nababasang facebook articles about how being single is ok. And then comes kuya guy, who you really like, but you won’t give him a chance because of all those stories you read on facebook about girls who gave guys a chance, and got hurt. So you ignore kuya guy because iniisip mo he’s just the same as other guys you’ve read about. Na he’s just after one thing. So you practice self-preservation. Ok lang naman! Trulaloo. It’s a bad thing to be hurt, that’s true. But maybe, missing out hurts more.

Before, when we didn’t have social media, how did people find out about their love interests? Well, the simplest thing is they ask. I remember my girlfriend before, when I met her, I was playing counterstrike. Then this one player was creaming one player after another. I’m angry. I say “WHO THE HELL IS THAT COUNTER TERRORIST SNIPER? BAKIT AYAW GUMALAW. LAGYAN KO NG BOMBA SA TUMBONG YAN EH.” This happened while I was buying buko juice right outside the computer shop. A voice says from behind me, “Ah, ako yon. Bakit?” I turn my head and see the most beautiful girl I’ve seen. And you know how I courted her? I walked her home every time we played in the computer shop. Walang facebook. Walang twitter. Walang IG. When I wanted to know stuff about her, I’d ask her while walking home. I guess that doesn’t seem too common nowadays.

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III. Summary

It’s true, much has changed since before. But what is the one thing that hasn’t changed. Courtship is still about knowing another person. Courtship is still about letting another person know about you.

Telebabads might have transformed into immensely long chat logs.

Threeway calls might have turned to Chat groups. (Dati YM conference call yan!)

Walking a person home might have changed into “I’ll instagram this S**t”

Love notes passed by mga taong “naglalakad” might have turned to “selfie tayo!”.

Dates have turned into “Hohol.” Yuck. Ang safe masiyado.

But one thing will never change. People still look for other people to connect with. And that’s the important thing I guess. Always connect with other people. No matter what the means. Because there is no greater tragedy than loneliness. Everyone deserves to feel connected to someone else. And whatever fears or problems we have, if we have someone to hold our hand during those times, then maybe, life won’t be as difficult as what we feel it to be.

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#apagsibig

(almost all images are from google search. But you know that already.)